you maybe me

(i) am big ice beds colliding. underneath the skin, tectonic.
The skull and bulbs for sockets abiding.
inside rumbling, a death surfacing, a long lull tugging.
Or is this just my heart thawing?

In it,
her blue sagged cheeked clown face puking in a tall slender glass vase.
a strange foetus comes out of her mouth,
and slowly floats downwards.
to the bottom.
The bottom is bottomless.
the foetus is fatherless.
(i) take deep tokes of air.
it is this.
or else.
(i) am dying.
There is the unbearable distance from the stead of my center.
No tolerance for the other or so it seems.
No welcome or kiss.
Just a cold surface meeting another.
The void in between,
(i) not known to me
until (i)'ve encountered the other.
He wants to run amiss.
(i) understand, (i) don't want to be here at all.
This blissfull deceit that life is rosy like the lit foetus in the bottomless vase.
Everything is there on the surface, looking like one thing but meaning another.
Fusing stillness with alienation.
Having spent too long in silence.
Death rumbles -ever so present demon susurring her tales and blurring her perception.
All demons aside-
he runs -an axe in his hand.
or is that me?
(i) want to kill you bastard man.
She will never read these words for this (i) am sure.
Her lips will graze mine in seams of reality,
(i) am the python digesting a sheep.

(i) can still see the glassy eyes, the flushed red cheeks from too much toking.
He growls at me -had you arrived a half hour earlier.
-You carry the shit bitch-
-You take it on.-
-Shut your mouth.-
-I've killed you with my glare long ago.-
-You are nothing.-
-You can pound on me all your might.-
-Your fury makes me laugh-
Don't mind me
I'm out of my mind.
And that,
across the street.
"Is just a body walking her dog."

father dearest you fucking broke my heart.
I made a pact mixed blood and all.
all for nothing. a blurry connection,
blindly groping to vomit the violence.